Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth

photo by Antoinne von Rimes

I am the king of procrastination and delaying the inevitable. I am constantly doing things in half measures knowing that it would be best to do things the proper way the first time. And the sad truth for me is that this weak will to do the smart thing the first time leads me to accumulate a mountain of second rate things in my life. The biggest pile of junk I have is ineffectual culinary gadgets.

And, I love gadgets, but I always tend to gravitate to the less expensive option rather than just plopping down the cash for the better quality option first. I guess, I do this because I don’t have a lot of money to plop down in the first place and I am always skeptical of how much better the expensive option can be over the cheaper alternative.

This is why I have a battalion of useless to ineffectual knife sharpeners at my house. I do not mean steels. I am referring to implements designed to sharpen your knives, but in actuality leave you with a slightly less dull version of the previously very dull knife you had. I guess in the world of cause and effect, and advertising a less dull knife fulfills the contract of a knife “sharpener”. It does not, however, produce a knife which I consider sharp.

I never thought of sharp as a subjective term, but I guess it is because to me sharp means having an implement with an edge capable (at a minimum) of slicing through meat, and vegetables. I have quality knives (Wusthuff Trident) and have tried several gadgets to sharpen them, but they all produced a slightly less dull version of my already dull knives. That is, until, I bought a Diamond whetstone ($40.00) knife sharpener from my local hardware store, and sharpened my knives with it.

Now my knives are sharp, really sharp. I’m talking Tarzan, Crocodile Dundy, throw a strand of hair into the air and slice it sharp. I do not know why I waited so long to buy a whetstone. It’s like when you make an embarrassing mistake and you are too afraid to live up to it.

Like, say, if you got really drunk one night with your wife’s kid sister, and you make-out with her in some dark bar because her mouth makes that same funny smile her sister’s used to before it started yelling at you all the time about helping around the house with dishes and laundry and stuff. And you know you should tell your wife about the whole stupid thing, but you feel that would be even worse…for you. So you don’t say anything and walk around waiting for the day that she will find out and you will be forced to confess.

Well that’s the feeling of having a drawer full of useless knife sharpeners and knowing you should buy a whetstone, but you don’t and you continue to deal, live and operate with slightly sharp knives. It’s an awful feeling. But, once you have bought the whetstone and sharpened all your knives, scissors, flatware, and anything with an edge you can get your hands on, you feel so much happier and relieved.

Kind of like how you feel right after your sister-in-law goes through her Twelve Step Program and tells your wife about that night in April of ’07, and your wife slaps you, hard, and kicks you out of the house. For that one moment as you stand looking at the neighbor’s lights go on at 2 am, and seeing them all staring at you while you stand frozen on your front lawn in your underwear, hearing a police siren in the background, one octave lower than your wife’s never ending screeching at you: you are blissfully relieved that you do not have that “feeling” anymore. Only, this new “ feeling” last only until your wife’s lawyer informs you that your underwear is the only thing she intends to leave you with.

Eat More Duck

photo by Antoinne von Rimes

Eat more duck?  I don’t know why we (Americans) don’t eat more duck.  I just had a pan roasted duck breast with coca sauce, served on a bed of lentils with cipollini onions the other day at Citizen Cake here in San Francisco, and throughout the meal I could not stop asking myself why I don’t eat more duck.  I love duck.

Duck has so much more flavor than chicken, and roasted duck fat and crispy skin surpasses that king of fatty delicacies bacon any day.  And, I really love bacon.  But, duck is another realm of sensuous eating pleasure.  Duck is like an affair with an exotic beauty who barely speaks your language.  Bacon is a fling with the hot bartender around the way.

Duck is never mentioned in those poultry scares.  I cannot remember any duck recalls, bans, poisonings, or governmental white papers against it.  The only thing we hear about is the whole foie gras flap.  Is it cruel, or is it not cruel?  If I were a duck I think I would say it is cruel to force me to eat when I do not want to eat, but if I were a duck I would also feel the evolutionary need to stuff myself silly for the long flight South and would feel it even more cruel if my keeper did not feed me all I crave to eat.  Other than that duck is free from controversy (to my limited culinary focused knowledge).

So why do we not eat more duck?  Expense?  Hell yeah, that’s one reason.  Duck is expensive here in the States.  You may give the old chicken purchase the once around the brain and compare it to the cost of hamburger, but duck…that’s a stop and ponder this for awhile purchase.

Availability?  Yeah, that is also a problem in most areas.  You can’t just pop down to the market and pick up a fresh duck or duck breast.  Well, I live in San Francisco, and I can go to Chinatown and have them slaughter the duck of my choice for me.  If I was inclined to do that, and if my Cantonese was up to snuff to get it done. I assure you, I have not and it is not… so relax.  But availability is a problem because the only duck you are going to find is more than likely whole and frozen, and then you have to plan, thaw and wait.  Ok, duck seems really impractical now.

Treatment?  This is the last obstacle I see with duck.  Not the ethical treatment of them; although, that crosses my mind too.  I mean how should you cook it?  Should you butcher it and pan roast or grill the breast, and make confit out of the legs and thighs?  Or, should you break out the bike pump and fan and Peking that sucker?  That’s the dilemma.  

If I was Chef Gary Danko I could turn it into duck breast prosciutto, but there is only one Danko and I am not he.  If I was uber Chef Thomas Keller, I could create some dish out of duck that could revive the dead, but I am not Thomas Keller either.  I am just an ordinary cook who loves duck and cannot get past the Expense, Availability, and Treatment of duck in order to EAT duck.

If I lived in France, I don’t think I would have this problem.  I could buy fresh duck breasts, pay a bit more for it than chicken, go home and pan roast them, and use the rendered duck fat to fry some potatoes.  I could eat duck at will, and then ponder why I don’t eat more pheasant.  I’m still going to try and eat more duck.  

How about you?

McDonald's Hot Picante Sauce

16 Ingredients: water, concentrated crushed tomatoes, onions, jalapeno peppers, distilled vinegar, green bell peppers, salt, high fructose corn syrup, xanthan gum, sodium benzoate and potassium sorbate as preservatives, citric acid, chili powder, natural flavor, garlic, spice.

I'll have to say, there ARE 5 vegetables in here; however, there are also 3 chemicals that are both mysterious and difficult to pronounce. Let's review some of these chemicals (content is from wikipedia):

Xanthan gum - is a polysaccharide used as a food additive and rheology modifier. It is produced by fermentationof glucose or sucrose by the Xanthomonas campestris bacterium.

Sodium benzoate - also called benzoate of soda, has thechemical formulaNaC₆H₅CO₂.  It is the sodium salt of benzoic acid and exists in this form when dissolved inwater. It can be produced by reacting sodium hydroxide with benzoic acid.

Potassium sorbate - the potassium salt of sorbic acid.  Its primary use is as a food preservative.  Potassium sorbate is effective in a variety of applications including food, wine, and personal care.

In case you were wondering, no, the stuff doesn't taste very good.

Tampopo Ruined Noodles

Several years ago, Papawow founder and foodtellectual extraordinaire Dave Koch loaned me a copy of Tampopo, the 1985 Japanese Western/comedy about, well, noodles.  I’m sure he meant well, but Tampopo ruined noodles.

I must admit that I haven’t seen Tampopo for many years now, so the details are a bit hazy.  The essence of the movie is the woman Tampopo’s search for the perfect bowl of noodles.  Various scenes describe the essence of a good bowl of noodles.  It all starts with the broth. Having made broths, stocks, and soups before, I am fully aware of the time consuming process required to make a deliciously savory, but not-too-salty broth.

The noodles themselves are another critical component – be they udon, ramen, soba (generally reserved for cold soups) or another lesser variety, the noodles cannot be overly mushy or hard.  They need to withstand the heat of the broth and the prodding of the eating implements (never a fork) without giving in, and at the same time cede to the tooth with a tiny bit of elastic resistance.

And then there’s the meat.  I have had too many udons containing an overly fatty, thick piece of ham. I’ve had tempura prawns with instantly-dissolving panko, revealing naked crustaceans in a slurry of fry.  Unacceptable.

The problem with Tampopo is that it leaves the viewer craving the perfect bowl of noodles.  I have not, in the years since my viewing of Tampopo, achieved satisfaction.  Unfortunately, my noodle experiences since that defining moment have left much to be desired.

Five minutes prior to writing these words, I consumed a bowl of noodles with dumplings – purveyor to remain anonymous – that left me craving something more substantial.  The dumplings tasted like poultry seasoning without the poultry.  The broth was empty, want of seasoning and excitement. And the noodles were flat, lacking personality.

One peculiarity of this vendor, which I have visited previously, is the over-abundance of vegetables in the soup. Rather than meat or fish broth, I end up tasting only carrots and sprouts.  Today’s noodle dish was merely a ghost of something that could have been.

Perhaps my disappointment in noodles is a regional problem.  I have not had a decent opportunity to sample noodles in Asia since my search began.  The exception was a disappointing ramen bowl in the Singapore Airlines lounge of the Hong Kong airport.

Incidentally, the best noodles I had since Tampopo were from a Japanese restaurant in the San Francisco International Airport.  I have spent many hung-over Sundays burning my tongue in a bowl of udon before departing to another place.  The broth there is particularly invigorating, and it magically warms my body and alleviates my ailments.

The tempura shrimp often end up naked, but with the appropriate level of care one can negotiate panko and crustacean in the same bite.  Despite the positive aspects of this airport miracle, it is still miles away from satiating my craving.

Tampopo initiated my search for the perfect bowl of noodles, and coupled with my search lays ceaseless disappointment.  One day, I optimistically muse, my search will prove fruitful.  Until then, noodles are ruined.

Tampopo in London

I stopped in my tracks one day when, walking down Fulham Road in London, I came upon a restaurant called Tampopo (www.tampopo.co.uk).  What a clever name for an Asian restaurant, I thought, but Tampopo herself would not have been pleased; this is not a noodle shack focused on the perfect bowl of noodles.

Instead it is a multi-location Asian restaurant, serving “steaming noodles to soothe, slow-cooked curries and sizzling stir-fries full of goodness and flavour.”  Sounds like goodness to me, but it does not sound like the end to Tampopo’s – or my – quest.

Halibut, how do I love thee?

photo by Antoinne von Rimes

Halibut, I love Halibut so much that I eat it three to four days a week when it’s in season, and thank God it is back in season now. Halibut season runs from March until the middle of November.  The span in-between I call hell because I am deprived of the luscious white, sweet, meaty treat called halibut.

I live in San Francisco and people here go on and on about salmon and Dungeness crab, ad infinitum…ho-freaking-hum.  There is no salmon dish baked, roasted, steamed or raw that can come close to a basket of properly beer battered, deep fried, halibut.

The crisp, crunchy, golden brown exterior and the steaming hot tender fish inside is food porn to me.  I want to close the blinds, conceal myself from prying eyes while I give myself over to this unmatched sin.

A drop of lemon or lime juice with the first bite, and then a dollop of my homemade tartar sauce with the second, and I’m half way to being spent.  My deep fried Halibut is crisp and golden brown on the outside with white, nearly, luminescent flesh, shrouded in a mist of escaping steam on the inside.

My mouth knows it will be tender and sweet. It seduces me to take a bite. I bite, munch, and gorge.  Before I know it, I end the evening sprawled on my couch, flakes of fried batter clinging to my face.  A sudden rush of guilt washes over me…shame not too far behind.  I pick myself up and tell myself I will have more self control next time…tomorrow

Classic French Doorstop

photo by Dave Koch

We had dinner over at a friends house the other day and I noticed they use an $80 magnum (1.5L) bottle of "J" Winery's Brut as their doorstop.  Granted, it was hot inside with all the cooking - but I thought this was so funny, I had to take a picture.

Bacon, Peanut Butter, and Basil Sandwich

The B-PB-B!.  Kind of a shoddy photo for such a delicious sandwich (it was taken with my phone) but the muses were with me when I came up with it.

I know it sounds crazy but don't laugh until you try it!

The saltiness of the bacon and the saltiness of the peanut butter play nice together on the swings while the basil is is busy getting dizzy on the carousel.

There is creamy, crunchy, salty, and herbal all going on.  White bread allows all the flavors to shine but whole wheat would be good too.

Ingredients:

3 strips of bacon - baked, nuked, or fried

2 pieces of white bread, toasted

1 small handful of basil, about 6 large leaves

1 smathering of peanut butter - chunky or smooth, your call

Instructions:

Put everything in between the slices of bread.  Eat.

Jelly Belly Buttered Popcorn Pudding Snacks

photo by Dave KochI found these in the refrigerator of a friend of mine and was so shocked, I had to tell the world.  First of all, the Buttered Popcorn Jelly Beans are the grossest, sickest excuse for a candy I know.  I would rather eat a handful of the Harry Potter Bertie Botts Earthworm flavored Jelly Beans than then a single Buttered Popcorn.

They are so horrible, they knock the wind out of me; I can't breathe.  My eyes roll into the back of my head when I eat them.  I begin to have visions of Hieronymus Bosch's Hell in The Garden of Earthly Delights.  Blood runs from my eyes, my head swivels on my neck, my world goes dark.  I may be exaggerating a little, but I really don't like them at all.  

Continuing on.  I didn't eat the pudding but I imagine it tastes like a pile of vomit at a movie theater.  I'm simply amazed that they would take something as disgusting as a buttered popcorn jelly bean and try and market it in different forms.  What's next?  Jelly Belly Buttered Popcorn Non-Dairy Creamer?

To exacerbate my shock of finding these in the home of someone I know, this culprit went to culinary school!  She shall remain nameless so as to protect her identity, possibly her job, and definitely her standing in the community (could you imagine the shame?).  

"So ______, I hear you eat Jelly Belly Buttered Popcorn Pudding Snacks..."

"Uh, yea."

"You're fired!"

Now I'm just teasing her - but nevertheless, here is a rundown of the ingredients in them (there are no less than 15 mind you!):

"Nonfat milk, water, sugar, modified food starch, vegetable oil (contains one or more of the following: soybean oil, canola oil, sunflower oil), contains 1% or less of the following: natural and artificial flavor, salt, xanthan gum, disodium phosphate, sodium stearoyl lactylate, yellow 5.

Contains: milk"

Did you notice it does not contain butter OR popcorn...?

Homemade Croutons. Duh.

photo by Matt Haas This might be the biggest no brainer ever.  

Ingredients:

• Bread
• Olive Oil
• Salt
• Pepper
• Parmesan Cheese  

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cut bread into cubes and toss with oil, salt & pepper and a generous dusting of parm.  Arrange in a single layer on a baking sheet and cook until golden brown, about 15 minutes.  Add to your soup or salad while still warm.

photo by Matt Haas

Notes: I always have some frozen bread in the freezer - maybe half a baguette, the end of a rustic loaf, whatever.  Fresh bread is fine, but this is a really great use of leftovers.  I love cooking up a small batch of homemade croutons and tossing in a salad while they are still a little warm.  Trust me.

photo by Matt Haas

Total Satisfaction in a Pub

photo by Loren Tama

Someone somewhere at sometime decided to adjoin a phenomenal authentic Thai restaurant with a classic English pub.  I want to shake that someone's hand.

The pub/restaurant is the Churchill Arms located in London's posh Notting Hill.  As I sit here now, sleepily allowing my food coma to abate, I reflect on the sublime combination of spicy Thai, Winston Churchill memorabilia, and refreshing Albarino.  All this following five hours without food.  I lift the bottle of Pol Roget - Churchill's favorite Champagne - perched on a shelf next to me.  It is empty.  I don't know what I was expecting, but I don't care either way.  Right now I am reflecting.

This euphoric condition began with nothing more than toast, marmalade, and musli about 300 miles northeast of London.  As the drive back to London came to a close, the hunger set in.  The perfect answer turned out to be pad ga praw (one order of chicken, one of beef); kaeng kiew waan, or green curry (chicken); and the classic pad Thai.  With shrimp.  Spring rolls kicked off the feast, which was enjoyed by no more people than my tiny girlfriend and myself.  Halfway through the feast, two words escaped my mouth: goodness gracious.

I just experienced total satisfaction in a pub.

photo by Loren Tama

Goodbye Starbucks, Hello Peet's

photo by Antoinne Rimes

It's over!  I have said so long to Starbucks' coffee.  We grew apart awhile ago and only recently did I try to salvage the relationship. I want to say it's not them but me, but it's really them.  Or, I should say it's because of Peet's coffee that I no longer care for Starbucks' coffee anymore. 

I was so into Starbucks.  I had their coffee everyday like clockwork.  A venti cappuccino with two packets of Splendawas my order.  I was there so much the baristas didn't ask me for my drink order anymore.  They would say, " …and anything to eat?" 

I was Norm and Starbucks was my Cheers. 

Then, it, crashed into my life.  I don't know if it was the longing for something new, or the feeling that I just could not go on being unhappy and feeling like there was something missing from my daily brew.  I knew I was stepping over a line that most never cross, but I needed to feel whole.  

I needed to know that there was no other option out there that I was letting slip by because I was comfortable where I was at. 

That's how I was seduced over to the dark, intense flavor of Peet's coffee.  Like some exotic beauty with luscious lips and curvy hips, Peet's coffee-soul kissed me away from the frumpy girl next door: Starbucks. 

Starbucks coffee is like being kissed on the cheek at the family reunion by the pretty cousin you have a crush on, and Peet's coffee is like being French kissed by a naked Rosario Dawson on a deserted strip of beach in the Caribbean.  I could never go back once I tasted the deep roasted flavor of Peet's slightly bitter brew.  

After one sip of Peet's coffee, Starbucks' coffee seemed like a warm beverage for children.  There was no depth of flavor, no hint of far off lands and foreign cultures like there was in every sip of Peet's lovely brew.  Starbucks' coffee simply lay there and expected me to be happy that I was with it… no effort, no passion, only hype.  While Peet's coffee would grab me, feel me up, and then kiss me, as if it was saying, "Hello, baby, I really missed you."

In time, I went hard core and started getting my small cappuccino dry with four packets of Splenda.  The sweet taste of Splenda melded with the bitter taste of Peet's coffee, transforming my drink into and exciting mélange of flavor and seduction.  I tasted dark chocolate with cherry overtones, and the sweet bitterness of dark treacle.  

This coffee…this woman, dark and lovely is my mistress.  She is my passion, my obsession, and my muse.  I am merely existing in-between the times when I have her and when I do not. 

Good bye, Starbucks… pretty, dull cousin.  Hello my dark beauty, my love.

Padma Lakshmi and Me

photo by Antoinne Rimes

I had that Padma Lakshmi dream again...

The one where she comes to San Francisco, and I accidentally meet her in the street. She is alone and looks scared and confused.  She asks me where she can get a really good apple fritter, and I tell her I know of a secret place where happiness is deep fried dough drenched in a sugary glaze.

She looks at me with tears in her eyes and asks me if she can kiss me.   I tell her yes.  We kiss, and we head off to this little place in the Tenderloin I know of that makes the best apple fritters in the city.

Imagine an apple fritter the same hue as Padma’s skin, and as sweet as a kiss from her luscious lips.  That’s the eighth happiness, the happiness of deep fried and sugary things.  It is the $1.45 Nirvana.

The Nirvana that requires no mountain climbing or chanting, only the desire to receive peace.   That is what it must be like to kiss Padma Lakshmi…nirvana.  Padma is my fantasy, but that apple fritter is available for a buck forty-five every day.

Emotional eating, maybe, but I am aware. I limit myself to one awesome, deliciousness every month, or I would never have a shot at the real thing.  Padma, I await you. Come to me.

Update on 2009-04-01 01:27 by Dave Koch

For all of those who have emailed about the location of this luscious fritter, it is from Gateway Croissant in San Francisco on the corner of Larkin and Golden Gate.

Real California Milk Happy Cow Auditions

This is one of the funniest ads I've ever seen.

Vote for Soo here.  

Ode to My Stove - "Old Yeller"

photo by Dave Koch

Sweet aromas waft through the abode
emanating from the P7 stove.
The repertoire of cuisine is quite eclectic
that is prepared with my General Electric.

Sometimes I wish I cooked with gas
but those "grass is greener" feelings pass
when I look at Old Yeller's glowing range
I admire electric's superior heat exchange.

Sensation, something she may be lacking,
but her results are lip-smacking.
Mustard yellow, with no uncertainty,
was much the fad in 1970.

Through her veins runs pure electricity
Her beauty lies in her simplicity.
My pushbutton heating options are five
WM - LO - 3 - 2 - HI

Eating While Travelling

I just got back from a business trip and although I'm not the healthiest eater to begin with (I eat whatever looks good) things go downhill when I'm on the road.  The fact is, when you're in novel surroundings you don't know where to pick up a healthy bite - and that gets compounded by the truth that when you take clients out to entertain, you don't end up going out for salad.

Ever since the airlines stopped providing meals, I've been eating so much better on the plane.  I bring my own sandwich, mayo and everything.  The poor airlines were ridiculed for their food anyway, I can't understand why they're now condemned for stopping food service.  Now, you get what you want because you brought it.

At least most airlines provide snack boxes for a nominal charge if you're famished.  It's not like they're charging to use the bathroom or anything crazy like that... Wait wait, what?  (from ABC7 Chicago) "The CEO of Ryanair says he has asked engineers at Boeing to design bathrooms with doors that open and close only if you swipe a credit card."

Yuck.

Continuing on, besides bringing my own sandwich on the plane, I often carry a bag of nuts.  Crunchy, salty, and protein rich - nuts satiate very well.  I also always have some sugar-free gum on hand also to keep my breath in check.  101 Cookbooks recommends not only nuts but in their article Healty Eating While Travelling, they also suggest:

• "I pack three apples and a pound of nuts or toasted pumpkin seeds"
• Just add water products
• pack a camping stove [this may be pushing it]

From Wikihow, there's How to Cook Food in a Hotel Room which suggestions such as:

• Make oatmeal in the coffee maker (like Alton Brown!)

•  Cook bacon with the iron
• Use the iron as a hotplate for eggs
• Prepare soft-boiled eggs in the coffee maker
• Prepare ramen noodles in the coffee maker
• Make a grilled cheese sandwich using the iron
• Use the iron as a skillet/grill
• Use the coffee maker as a vegetable steamer
• Make instant rice in the coffee maker
• Make sauce in the coffee maker

I found another article about eating while travelling that I think takes it a little too far.  We'll keep them anonymous.  They recommend:

• Stick to fruits that can be peeled immediately before eating.
• Cooked vegetables are safe, but avoid salads.
• Drink only bottled water.  Avoid tap water and ice cubes in risky regions.
• Teeth should be brushed with bottled water.
• Don't eat unpasteurized dairy products such as milk or cheese.
• No matter how tempting, avoid street vendors.

Hmm.

Exotic fruits are one of life's grandest and most primeval pleasures.  There is nothing more fantastic than a fruit you have never eaten before.  Abstaining from unpasteurized dairy products?  A life without cheese is a life not worth living.  Avoid street vendors?  You've got to be crazy!  That is the essence of a culture's cuisine!

In my opinion, finding something nutritious to eat can be an adventure!

I shifted gears a little here from "dining on the road" to "dining on a road" but I have two tips I want to share.  Granted, I may have an iron stomach - but these are my cardinal rules I stick to while dining "a la cart" (street vendors, get it?):

"If the place is busy, people are not dropping dead from dining here."

"If you are unsure about the food, don't fill up on it."

Two reasons.  One, this allows your stomach acid to dispose of many of the harmful bacteria before they enter your lower intestine.  Two, if there's "bad" stuff, you consume less of it.

Mister Mustard

I am always on the lookout for a great hot sauce, or superior hot mustard. Strolling through the Winter Fancy Food Showcase in San Francisco, California in January, I discovered THE hot mustard. The name is simple and to the point: Mr. Mustard-Hot.

Mister Mustard-Hot has the brain numbing, sinus-clearing experience lovers of hot mustard crave, but it also has a great taste which brings out the sweetness in meats, and adds a nice kick to sauces. I put it on roast chicken, bacon, and red leaf lettuce, all sandwiched between toasted sour dough bread, lacquered with really good mayo.

I drop the mustard on the meat in little dollops so that when I press the sandwich together the mustard spreads out unevenly, giving me nice pockets of mustard, or no mustard in each bite. I like this teasing of my taste buds, hide-and-go-seek for the spicy bite.

Mr. Mustard-Hot puts those chi-chi French Dijon mustards to shame.

If you can find Mr. Mustard-Hot in your city, or anywhere else, buy it.  I promise you once you have tasted Mr. Mustard-Hot you will throw away that other stuff you call hot mustard.

Food Related Ig Nobel Prizes

 photo by jeff dlouhy

The Ig Nobel Prizes are a parody of the Nobel Prizes - awarded each year by the scientific humor magazine Annals of Improbable Research.  They began in 1991 as a way to draw attention to projects "that cannot, or should not, be reproduced."  It is a humorous event each October on Harvard's campus and the awards are handed out by genuine Nobel Laureates.

I went through the list of past winners and culled out the food related awards.  If I put my mind to it, maybe I could win an Ig Nobel Prize too:

2008

NUTRITION PRIZE. Massimiliano Zampini of the University of Trento, Italy and Charles Spence of Oxford University, UK,  for electronically modifying the sound of a potato chip to make the person chewing the chip believe it to be crisper and fresher than it really is. 

CHEMISTRY PRIZE. Sharee A. Umpierre of the University of Puerto Rico, Joseph A. Hill of The Fertility Centers of New England (USA), Deborah J. Anderson of Boston University School of Medicine and Harvard Medical School (USA), for discovering that Coca-Cola is an effective spermicide, and to Chuang-Ye Hong of Taipei Medical University (Taiwan), C.C. Shieh, P. Wu, and B.N. Chiang (all of Taiwan) for discovering that it is not.

2007

CHEMISTRY: Mayu Yamamoto of the International Medical Center of Japan, for developing a way to extract vanillin -- vanilla fragrance and flavoring -- from cow dung.
PRESS NOTE: Toscanini's Ice Cream, the finest ice cream shop in Cambridge, Massachusetts, created a new ice cream flavor in honor of Mayu Yamamoto, and introduced it at the Ig Nobel ceremony. The flavor is called "Yum-a-Moto Vanilla Twist." 

NUTRITION: Brian Wansink of Cornell University (from our article Is The 'Joy of Cooking' Fattening Us Up?), for exploring the seemingly boundless appetites of human beings, by feeding them with a self-refilling, bottomless bowl of soup.

2006

NUTRITION: Wasmia Al-Houty of Kuwait University and Faten Al-Mussalam of the Kuwait Environment Public Authority, for showing that dung beetles are finicky eaters.

PHYSICS: Basile Audoly and Sebastien Neukirch of the Université Pierre et Marie Curie, in Paris, for their insights into why, when you bend dry spaghetti, it often breaks into more than two pieces.

CHEMISTRY: Antonio Mulet, José Javier Benedito and José Bon of the University of Valencia, Spain, and Carmen Rosselló of the University of Illes Balears, in Palma de Mallorca, Spain,  for their study "Ultrasonic Velocity in Cheddar Cheese as Affected by Temperature."

BIOLOGY: Bart Knols and Ruurd de Jong of Wageningen Agricultural University for showing that the female malaria mosquito Anopheles gambiae is attracted equally to the smell of limburger cheese and to the smell of human feet.

2005

CHEMISTRY: Edward Cussler of the University of Minnesota and Brian Gettelfinger of the University of Minnesota and the University of Wisconsin, for conducting a careful experiment to settle the longstanding scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?

NUTRITION: Dr. Yoshiro Nakamats of Tokyo, Japan, for photographing and retrospectively analyzing every meal he has consumed during a period of 34 years (and counting).

2004

PUBLIC HEALTH
Jillian Clarke of the Chicago High School for Agricultural Sciences, and then Howard University, for investigating the scientific validity of the Five-Second Rule about whether it's safe to eat food that's been dropped on the floor.

2003

PHYSICS
Jack Harvey, John Culvenor, Warren Payne, Steve Cowley, Michael Lawrance, David Stuart, and Robyn Williams of Australia, for their irresistible report "An Analysis of the Forces Required to Drag Sheep over Various Surfaces."

BIOLOGY
C.W. Moeliker, of Natuurhistorisch Museum Rotterdam, the Netherlands, for documenting the first scientifically recorded case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard duck.

2002

PHYSICS
Arnd Leike of the University of Munich, for demonstrating that beer froth obeys the mathematical Law of Exponential Decay. 

2001

MEDICINE
Peter Barss of McGill University, for his impactful medical report "Injuries Due to Falling Coconuts." 

BIOLOGY
Buck Weimer of Pueblo, Colorado for inventing Under-Ease, airtight underwear with a replaceable charcoal filter that removes bad-smelling gases before they escape.

2000

LITERATURE
Jasmuheen (formerly known as Ellen Greve) of Australia, first lady of Breatharianism, for her book "Living on Light," which explains that although some people do eat food, they don't ever really need to.

1999

SOCIOLOGY
Steve Penfold, of York University in Toronto, for doing his PhD thesis on the sociology of Canadian donut shops.

PHYSICS
Dr. Len Fisher of Bath, England and Sydney, Australia for calculating the optimal way to dunk a biscuit.
...and...
Professor Jean-Marc Vanden-Broeck of the University of East Anglia, England, and Belgium, for calculating how to make a teapot spout that does not drip.

LITERATURE
The British Standards Institution for its six-page specification (BS-6008) of the proper way to make a cup of tea.

BIOLOGY
Dr. Paul Bosland, director of The Chile Pepper Institute, New Mexico State University, Las Cruces, New Mexico, for breeding a spiceless jalapeno chile pepper.

1998

BIOLOGY
Peter Fong of Gettysburg College, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, for contributing to the happiness of clams by giving them Prozac.

1997

BIOLOGY
T. Yagyu and his colleagues from the University Hospital of Zurich, Switzerland, from Kansai Medical University in Osaka, Japan, and from Neuroscience Technology Research in Prague, Czech Republic, for measuring people's brainwave patterns while they chewed different flavors of gum.

METEOROLOGY
Bernard Vonnegut of the State University of Albany, for his revealing report, "Chicken Plucking as Measure of Tornado Wind Speed."

1996

BIOLOGY
Anders Barheim and Hogne Sandvik of the University of Bergen, Norway, for their tasty and tasteful report, "Effect of Ale, Garlic, and Soured Cream on the Appetite of Leeches."

PHYSICS
Robert Matthews of Aston University, England, for his studies of Murphy's Law, and especially for demonstrating that toast often falls on the buttered side.

CHEMISTRY
George Goble of Purdue University, for his blistering world record time for igniting a barbeque grill-three seconds, using charcoal and liquid oxygen.

1995

NUTRITION
John Martinez of J. Martinez & Company in Atlanta, Georgia, for Luak Coffee, the world's most expensive coffee, which is made from coffee beans ingested and excreted by the luak (aka, the palm civet), a bobcat-like animal native to Indonesia.

PHYSICS  
D.M.R. Georget, R. Parker, and A.C. Smith, of the Institute of Food Research, Norwich, England, for their rigorous analysis of soggy breakfast cereal, published in the report entitled 'A Study of the Effects of Water Content on the Compaction Behaviour of Breakfast Cereal Flakes."

1993

CONSUMER ENGINEERING
Ron Popeil, incessant inventor and perpetual pitchman of late night television,  for redefining the industrial revolution with such devices as the Veg-O-Matic, the Pocket Fisherman, Mr. Microphone, and the Inside-the-Shell Egg Scrambler.

PEACE
The Pepsi-Cola Company of the Phillipines, suppliers of sugary hopes and dreams, for sponsoring a contest to create a millionaire, and then announcing the wrong winning number, thereby inciting and uniting 800,000 riotously expectant winners, and bringing many warring factions together for the first time in their nation's history.

PHYSICS  
Louis Kervran of France, ardent admirer of alchemy, for his conclusion that the calcium in chickens' eggshells is created by a process of cold fusion.

1992

CHEMISTRY
Ivette Bassa, constructor of colorfulcolloids, for her role in the crowning achievement of twentieth century chemistry, the synthesis of bright blue Jell-O.

NUTRITION
The utilizers of Spam, courageous consumers of canned comestib les, for 54 years of undiscriminating digestion.

1991

MEDICINE
Alan Kligerman, deviser of digestive deliverance, vanquisher of vapor, and inventor of Beano, for his pioneering work with anti- gas liquids that prevent bloat, gassiness, discomfort and
embarassment.

Starbucks Shots

photo by idogcow

I've been a frequent patron of Starbucks nearly my whole life but it wasn't too long ago that I learned that their Venti size latte (Large) only has two shots of espresso in it.  

Note:  A hot Venti beverage has only two shots.  An iced Venti does have three, but I don't think it should even be called an Iced Venti because Venti means 20 and refers to the number of ounces in the paper cup - the plastic cup for the iced Venti's is 24 ounces.  They should call it a Ventiquattro!

So for 15+ years I've been ordering my Lattes in a Venti thinking I'm getting 50% more espresso than if ordered a Grande (Medium) - but I'm not!  I'm only getting more milk!  Their hot sizes follow a 1-1-2-2 shot formula for Short - Tall - Grande - Venti (Extra Small - Small - Medium - Large).

So I'm talking to a cool barista the other day and she tells me that the 1-1-2-2 formula is different for the Americano!  Those follow a true 1-2-3-4 formula for Short - Tall - Grande - Venti.  Odd.

I confirmed this on this Starbucks Menu Chart someone put together.  The chart also points out how many different ways there are to put these drinks together - and that your average barista likely knows them.  It reads like a glossary:

Breve - Made with half and half instead of regular milk. This makes it a bit thicker, a bit sweeter, a bit more expensive and a lot more fattening.

Organic - Some stores also have organic milk available. It'll cost extra, and they may have to go looking for it, since almost no one orders it (in my area at least).

140 degrees - No, this is not the newest boy band. If you find normal drinks too hot to drink, and want to save your tastebuds from a fiery death, order your drink at a hundred and forty degrees -- this is still quite warm, but not tongue-roasting.

Kid's - By Starbucks rules, any drink that's going to be served to a child must be no hotter than 130 degrees. Keep this in mind when you go cheap and order the $1.00 kid's hot chocolate.

Digging around, I also found the Starbucks Gossip site (unofficial?).  Some of the forum topics were pretty interesting.  Mostly baristas complaining about people ordering wacky things and people complaining about getting charged differently in different places.  This is from an entry in one of the forums:

 "I have no idea how to charge a single cup of french press because I was under the impression that we charged for the whole press [in fact, my shift charged a woman for the whole press just last night].

It's frustrating. Not to mention when I charge someone correctly and a shift or manager comes up behind me, prescreen's my screen, rerings up the customer and charges them for significantly less. Thus making me feel and look like a total asshat."

I'm sticking to my Tall Americano's.